Yorkshire Jokes

Yorkshire jokes. (Please read with a Yorkshire accent)



Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."





A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by..
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"




Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"






Just been sent them in an email, so thought i would share them with you...

Heard the first one before but the other two are new to me.

Enjoyed them.

A few years ago, Two Yorkshiremen used top go to every Yorkshire game at Headingley.

They took turns at taking along a packed lunch.

One day they went to the game as usual and realised that they had not brought lunch with them.

The man whose turn it was was full of appologies to his friend and offered to go and bring it.

As his friend drove the car he said he would go and get it instead.

When he got to the house he went inside and saw the other mans wife having sex with the blokes boss.

He quietly picked up the lunch an sneaked out of the house and back to Headingley.

He said to his mate - " i've got some baad news for thee- Ive just seen thar wife havin sex with thar boss;

The other guy turned to him and said " ive got some bad news for thee an' all"....









..." Boycotts out for a duck"


Owzat

A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'

:DD

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He
enquired of god,"Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the
clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said,

"What is it?" "Its a planet," replied God, " and I've put LIFE on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to
different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the
Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then
pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah," said God.
"That's Yorkshire, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
people, seven great cities, and many impressive towns, it is the home of the
world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and
politicians. The people from Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent
and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be
extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as speakers of truth." Michael gasped in wonder and
admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will
be BALANCE!"

God _replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wan****s I'm putting next
to them in Lancashire."

just had this one sent to me.

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshire lad walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere lad?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshire lad said, "Tha's doing well then
.........................................Only two left!"

The moral for Southerners - Don't mess wi’ folks from Yorkshire