Time for a giggle

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a
bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor'. I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'

I tell you 1 what happened to me yesterday .

While reseeting mouse traps in my mums garage yesterday there was 1 with all the bait missing picked it up said no bloody wonder it has not gone off as i could put decent pressure on it looked up and said look no wonder then next thing WHACK yea you guessed it went off trapping my thumb underneath.